Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Vietnamese Butt Rocket

The life of a teacher can get pretty full at times. The world lately has been a blur of copy machines, pronunciation exercises, and homework. Thankfully, I have been managing to maintain certain, let us say, routines with comfortable, um, regularity. In fact, I've had occasion every day to take advantage of one of Vietnam's finest inventions, a device that perfectly balances form and function, is lightweight, easy to operate, and makes a lovely accessory to every commode. I am speaking, of course, of the Vietnamese Butt Rocket!

The Butt Rocket represents a perfectly sensible and ecological solution to the problem of human waste. It uses water, nature's natural cleanser, and does not contribute to deforestation. No mess, no fuss, no more family squabbles over whether the paper should feed over or under. And for efficiency, the Butt Rocket simply can't be beat! A well-aimed squirt is all it takes to wash all your cares away.

Operating the Butt Rocket is as easy as it looks. You pull the water cannon off its wall slot, spread the legs a wee bit, and shove the nozzle under the ol' caboose. Press the trigger and fire away. Immediately you will feel an exhilirating blast that blows away all of nature's nasties - including the dingle-berries! - and leaves your orifice squeaky-smiley and pristine!

The question of what to do with a dripping bottom is elegantly handled. While paper is not used for the nasty business of wiping away the fudge, it is used for drying. Put the Butt Rocket back in its holster, grab a couple of squares of TP (you need less because you've already washed away the mess), and dab, dab, dab. A little lingering humidity actually feels good on a hot day. Whenever I get up after using the Butt Rocket, I like to linger a moment before pulling up my undies, and just enjoy the natural fresh goodness of a cool bottom. Ahhh....

So lest you think you need to pack away industrial-sized packages of toilet paper in your luggage before coming to Vietnam, let me assure you that this is one part of life that Vietnam beautifully handles. There is nothing for you to bring but your appetite, and a smile.


  1. oh my god!
    i am rolling...i can hardly write....
    oh, hal man.
    that is amazing, that thing.
    i so loved bidets in italy but that...
    well, it could be an easy addition here in the states
    whereas a bidet would not...

    you NEVER cease to delight me.

  2. Charming! I could imagine using one of those butt rockets by the kitchen sink for washing dishes.

    Like the above commenter, I am also delighted!

    Mr. Erratic

  3. I've been to Vietnam many times but I've never plucked up the courage to use one of these butt rockets.

    The thought of a jet up cold water attacking my bumhole is a little bit disconcerting I think.

    But gosh, it sounds like an absolutely delightful experience the way you describe it, I might just have to give it a shot next time I'm in the country.

  4. my first initiation to the bum gun actually came in thailand, and was thanks to a severe mingling of chilli and second rate whiskey. okay, fourth rate. okay, probably not really whiskey, but anywho.
    i'm a fan.
    depends on how long you like to tickle that bad boy.

  5. I can't imagine why anyone who cares about personal cleanliness would use any other method besides cleaning with water. Using paper is silly for too many reasons to list them all. The main reason for me is that there is no way to really remove 100% of what remains with paper only.
    Asians are shocked when they see how barbaric and half-assed our method is. How much paper do you use to remove the last vestiges without cleaning with water?
    I wish my home in the states was equipped like the bathrooms in Vietnam. I never use TP in VN except for in inexpensive Vietnamese restaurants where often a roll is in a container on the table instead of napkins.

  6. One of the first additons to my home. had to special order from Thailand. Once you use a "butt rocket" you'll never go back to paper alone. Good one Hal


  7. Jalapeno, Miggie installed such a device and we love it! Miss you. Come see us. xoxo Nassim

  8. Ah the bum gun, a joy beyond compare.